I wish I could eternal sunshine you

I remember when I first saw this wonderful movie. I remembered thinking how beautiful this concept was but how I would regret completely erasing any past boyfriends or crushes from my memory. I never really think about my first boyfriend, but I remembered picking up personality traits because he was in my life. I also remember how certain things felt when he would say or do something sweet. I absolutely have no attraction to him anymore, but he did make my time in high school better. It makes me remember the part where Jim Carrey’s character tells Kate Winslet’s character that she’s pretty. He fought so hard to keep that memory and it ended up getting erased anyway because he chose to get rid of everything that reminded him of her.

However, there are people right now that I would like to forget. I want to forget conversations or feelings that made me doubt myself. It’s been a year and I keep feeling so detached from just one conversation someone struck up with me. It reminded me of a cartoon where the coffee was talking to the person and says “friends are meaningless in the landscape of time”. Then the person says oh too dark and pours milk in the coffee. Then the coffee says “friends remind us that we’re not dead”. But do they? I keep getting a feeling that nothing around me is real. Even interactions from the few people I talk to at work. I always wanted to keep to myself, but my therapist told me not to do that. Keeping to myself is what makes my mind go dark… but really what is friendship versus a coworker conversation?

I was never good at making friends. I was always awkward and I just know that I’m annoying. I can’t stop myself from talking and saying dumb things sometimes. I wish I could filter myself. Maybe spending more time alone will fix that… I just don’t know. I feel so conflicted. I keep thinking that it’s important to make these connections. But then I over analyze every interaction and sabotage getting close to anyone or opening up to them. I keep wondering what the point is in all this. My mind wanders as if I’m at high altitude, I just want to shut off my thoughts.

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