Slowly learning that life is okay….

While I love going to the movies by myself. Occasionally I’ll get the urge to go with another person. I did the unspeakable today and reached out to two people to see if they wanted to see a movie with me. I got here early because downtown is a maze of expensive parking. Being the punctual prudent person I am, naturally I am here 30 minutes early.

I walked up these steps of a mall that once used to scare me to see that it has been gentrified. While I worry what these renovations are doing to the housing market, it is a safer feeling. There are little rocking chairs with a nice view of the downtown buildings. I sit my little tushie down and listen to my Spotify playlist. The song that comes on when I sit is the acoustic version of A-Has Take On Me from Deadpool 2. His voice and lyrics are haunting. “I’m stumbling away slowly learning that life is okay and say after me it’s no better to be safe and sorry…”

There’s something about the line stumbling away and learning that life is okay. I keep repeating that part. Getting older is terrifying. I’m not sure that I’m learning that life is okay, but mostly that life just is. There are so many days I don’t want to get up but my little guy reminds me of why I have to. I started this post last night and am finishing it up after seeing the move A Simple Favor. Ugh man. I feel like I am both of those women. I’m the overachiever that tries to fix problems, but also the cold heartless woman that doesn’t feel she needs to have friends. I want to learn that life is okay. I’m stumbling and sabotaging my own happiness outside of my family. Some people ONLY need that happiness from their family and be fine, why can’t that be me? Why do I feel the urge to make friends but then instantly petrify myself when I start to get too close to someone. It makes me feel like a terrible human saying I’m not happy with just the love from my family. That really should be all that matters…. I need to fix my way of thinking.

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