It seems a right of passage in a woman’s life when they are asked if they are thinking about having children. Once you do have a kid, it is only a matter of time before people ask you if you are thinking of having another. I would like the endless questions of my reproductive future to come to a halt please. I obviously love my son. He is the light of my life and makes me smile when I am at my darkest moments. However, it took so much work to have him be the functioning little toddler that he is. I want a giant cup of coffee just thinking about having another one. I never thought I would ever be a mom. I never had the greatest example and I always feared I would end up like my mother. I try really hard to give this tiny little human the best experiences he can have with the resources we have. I love his little giggles and his little smiles. I love the cuddles I get at the end of the day before I put him down for bed. I love being his mom.
Anyways… I keep thinking about whether or not I do want to have another kid. It’s not even a question for my husband because my son NEEDS a sibling… But the reality is that kids are so damn expensive these days. It takes one entire income and a half to pay for daycare. Additionally, kids really force you to be extroverted. I was never allowed to go to parties or people’s houses when I was growing up. I was never allowed to go to slumber parties. I had no idea how to properly behave in a social setting because I was hardly ever allowed the opportunity. I don’t want that for my son. I want him to have friends and playdates. However, that means I need to be more social as well. It is exhausting to think about because I really like my alone time. Now, I am going to have to force myself to mingle with other moms so my son can have a healthy social circle. I just want this little human to smile and make others smile as well.
On another note– this week has been so mentally draining. It is hard to put everything aside to get work done. When I say work, I mean career wise and home wise. My paycheck is pretty important, but my home life is as well. I can’t just sit and watch tv when I get home since I have a little person that depends on me for his nourishment and entertainment. Those Dayquil commercials are pretty dead on- “mom’s don’t have sick days”. It is hard to keep going some days though. I almost dread the question of ‘how are you’ because the reality is that I’m not doing great. But you smile and say ‘great’… Sometimes I feel it is better to not have friends because you don’t get people asking how you are or sending you pity texts to try and cheer you up. Sometimes the ‘effort’ is so forced that it almost has the opposite effect. I’ve been quite the debbie downer lately and I just need to get out of that thinking. I always try and keep myself busy so that the bad thoughts don’t win. Hence the blog post, there was a dull moment at home and I needed to get my thoughts out. People at work always ask me how I have time for everything I do. Simple, if I stop moving I get depressed and think bad thoughts. My therapist pointed that out even though its blatantly obvious after a while. I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, work full time, take my son to daycare, make breakfast, lunch, and dinner, do laundry, clean the house, bake things for work, go to movies, etc… When I write it all out it does seem like a lot, but nevertheless I keep on going.
I have to remind myself that this is kind of like free therapy I guess; thanks for listening…