Keeping a blog private can be difficult. There are more things I wish I could say, but I fear revealing too much will give me away somehow. I have been in a strange mindset this entire year. I’m not sure what sparked it, but I have been having thoughts about where my life has gone. Today in particular made me think about it even more. This girl had said that she had three kids with her ex, but that if she had met him now she absolutely wouldn’t date him. She got together with him in her early early 20’s; she said that she is a completely different person now than she was back then. For most people that is true. I’m not even sure if that is true for me. I feel i’m forgetting things so quickly, even things about myself. I know i’ve felt more lost in the last couple of years because of my dad’s passing. However, I know there is probably more to it that I may just not be allowing myself to think about.
I have a lot of good in my life. I sometimes let myself forget that. I have a roof over my head and a good job. I have a wonderful little human that smiles and gives me huge hugs when I pick him up after work. I have a husband that loves me… Yet I still feel lost. I don’t always feel ‘at home’. There is so much asked of me that I can’t remember when I did things for myself other than going to the gym. I feel obligated to make dinners or bake or even just make people happy.
This last week i’ve purposely been more distant with friends. For the last few years I have always been the main person to put in effort in a friendship. I have always been the one to reach out and ask how someone’s doing. I have always been the one to suggest a movie or dinner. For an introvert this is difficult. It is a lot of effort for me to do this. I thought about all the effort I put in and how little is reciprocated by those who claim to be a good friend. Friend…. The word itself lacks meaning for me anymore. Maybe that’s whats been on my mind. All thanks to that one conversation many many months ago… I wanted to just shut everyone out, but then again it wouldn’t be any different.
On another note… I was forced to mingle with other parents for the first time yesterday. My son was invited to a birthday party. This is the third one that he has been invited to, but the first one we actually attended. I felt really awkward being there. I never know what to say, but I also don’t want to deprive my son of these social experiences I never had as a child. Still though, I think he has picked up on my lack of social awareness… The little girl immediately said hi and wanted to hug my son, but he shied away. He warmed up after, but he still kept to himself most of the party while the other kids played together. He still went up to them and they were excited to play with him, but then he would walk around the yard chasing a ball or playing with a toy. I hope he interacts more as time goes by. I certainly don’t want him ending up like me. Unfortunately, I know that means I have to do a better job of maintaining a social circle as well. uggghhhhhhh… The struggle….