Overloaded

Pretty recently I deleted every social media account I had. I got exhausted with people and relationships; I felt it was finally time to just move on from it. This last year has been filled with second guessing relationships and myself, social media didn’t really help with that… Social media isn’t reality. Social media is everything people want you to see with none of the real aspects of a trusting friendship. I’ve learned that as you get older, you tend to care less about what people think about you. However, social media doesn’t really do that. I’ve heard people say they wouldn’t post something on Facebook because they didn’t want people judging them. If those people on there were your friends why would you care? People add co-workers and family on Facebook simply to not offend them. However, then you have to filter yourself in whatever you say. I am so tired of filtering my thoughts simply to appease people. I also tired in putting in so much effort when it rarely gets reciprocated.

I finally gave up on a friend last month. It sounds harsh, but I got tired of being the one to constantly put forth the effort to maintain the friendship. I don’t like going out, I don’t like large gatherings, but I enjoy the company of people in an individual sense. The friend I gave up on took more effort than I really ever wanted to put in, and I finally got tired of it. I was always the one to text or offer support. Yes, I understand that we all have times in our lives when we want to be left alone. I have many moments where I just want to stick my head under the sand for hours on end and not deal with the world. However, I always try and keep in touch with those that reach out to me. My former friend was constantly wanting to be chased. When I finally said I would give them space and that I would be here if they wanted to talk, they finally started responding. I am in my thirties, I am not into this high school shit. My intent was not to be a childish ‘well if I stop talking to them they’ll talk to me’. This was what came across though. I’m just so damn tired… After this happened, I felt okay being by myself. I don’t have many friends. I have maybe one or two that I absolutely trust and never second guess. I don’t feel like i’ll have too many of those in my life.

I feel like a broken record when I say I am exhausted. But its the truth. Getting older is terrifying. I feel more fearless in some sense, but not for good reason. I have a significant other and a child now, but at times when I look in the mirror I am utterly disgusted. I came home last night after going out with a couple of co-workers. I was hesitant to go because I didn’t know how these people thought of me. One person invited me for someone else’s celebration. I was basically tagging along and I felt so odd being there the whole night. I had a couple drinks and grabbed a dessert for the way home. When I got home I chatted with my husband and his friend before heading to bed. I brushed my teeth and looked in the mirror. I felt as if I was disappearing, and the feeling wasn’t a bad one. I haven’t had those kinds of thoughts in a long time, but I wanted to not wake up the next morning.

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