I haven’t written in a while. I have been busy analyzing every aspect of my life and how I could change things. One of my first postings talked about how a co-worker mentioned their viewpoint on work dynamics. More specifically, how they felt co-workers were not really friends. For some reason, this really struck with me. I do a lot of nice things for people. I keep myself busy for mental health reasons and part of that includes occasionally doing something nice for people at work. This has probably been a mistake all of my life though. I realized that some people don’t really want to talk to me, but probably feel obligated to when I do something nice for them. I try to make friends at work, but I realized that my attempts are really just pathetic more than anything. I think on Monday, I will go about my day differently.
I started therapy earlier in the year. One of the suggestions the therapist made was to try and make friends. I hated hearing that. I hate the idea of being vulnerable with someone, but he pointed out that mentally it helps to have someone to talk to. Obviously this is true. Bottling things up is never a good thing, but opening up to people is incredibly difficult. I did try to make friends. It’s not as simple for me as just offering to do something with someone. I get annoyed very easily and especially with people that are way more social than I am. I don’t like going out to clubs or bars. I honestly don’t know if I am even worth being friends with. My therapist said I would make a good friend to someone, but I think doctors are obligated to tell you crap like that to make you feel better about yourself. The further I attempted to try and be friends with someone, the more I saw myself being so fucking pathetic. I pity myself for even trying.
Yes, this is a ranty post and yes I am being a bit self deprecating. However, I feel like I need validation for how I am feeling. I feel alone at times, but its not a terrible feeling when you are depressed. I feel like its easier to disappear if you don’t have anyone that truly cares about you. I am not saying that is true, but at times I want to give up on everything around me. I love my child… I love him with all my heart and it pains me that I even feel this way. My son is the only reason that I e-mailed my therapist asking for an appointment or medication. I was discharged a few months ago, but the way I have been feeling lately is probably cause for concern. Nothing feels real around me at times and I know that is worrisome. I wish I could forget certain people, or just have never met them. One person’s words affected me so much. If someone wanted to inception me, his words would do it. It is as simple as saying ‘all relationships are meaningless’.
I am going to stop trying. I am going to stop reaching out and trying to make people happy when they truly don’t give a shit. If I hadn’t done nice things, people wouldn’t be talking to me in the first place. Being alone is something I just need to get used to.